Meaning

When I'm not trying to shove life's trials out of my head and make myself a small little area where I can have peace (something I do most of the time), I'm forced to confront the issue that this year has been pretty tough.

Moving back in with my parents has been a challenge. They still act like I'm a child and that I don't know how to think for myself yet, and so they're constantly telling me what they think I should do, and by "telling" they mean "do it or else." It was definitely grating at first, but later we both learned just how far we can go before the other will get angry.

I don't think I can write at length about everything that's happened so I'll just summarize it here in sentence fragments. Parents going senile. Dad being almost completely deaf. Me being away from many people that I love. Me missing them. My complete inability to land a job of any sort. Wondering when I'll ever get back to school to finish. Watching opportunities slip through your fingers because of random happenstance. Watching other (less monetarily profitable) opportunities come through likewise random happenstance. Deep soul searching. Trying to write and having the notes fail to come out. Rediscovering God through teaching my young students about Him. Being hesitant to step out in faith. Deflecting questions about my financial situation. Writing letters asking for a deferment on my student loans. My worrying mother.

I think I try to find meaning in it all so I can say this whole year was not a waste. I try to find meaning in everything. It helps me understand why trials happen.

Like here, let me try. This year I needed to get reacquainted with my family, because in the end, they're the only family I've got. Or, this year I needed to be there for my brother because our sister left for college and he would have been home with the parents alone and he couldn't have handled that. Or, this year was God's wake up call to me because I had been slowly drifting away from Him. Or, this year I learned what would happen if I didn't take my classes seriously so that when I go back to college I won't skip classes any more.

But sometimes trying to find a meaning feels like slapping a band-aid on a cut--a shallow summary solution that feels cheap.

Sometimes it's just tiring to try and I just want to rest and not have to worry about why things are happening to me. Maybe that's what happens when you get old--you're too tired to fight the fight anymore and just want to lie down and wait for it all to go away. I wonder how many people are too tired to wonder.

Everything is going to be okay. I just have to keep telling myself that.