I almost ran someone over today

I was trying to make a right turn on a red, and following typical Canadian custom, I barely stopped for the red light. After the car passed (which was the only reason I stopped) I began the turn when my mother yelled and I saw a young mother pushing a stroller with two very small children beside her. I slammed on the brakes and stopped inches from the nearest child.

The mother was pissed. Perhaps that should've been obvious, but her degree of anger was surprising to me. I rolled down the window and yelled two apologies. She yelled something about a crosswalk and about being sorrier if I'd hit her kids.

After she passed--she didn't seem too comfortable staying in front of my car--I sat there unmoving until five seconds after the light turned green. The car behind me didn't honk any horns, to their credit. I was a little shell-shocked.

What if I'd hit her and killed them all? What's the prison term for vehicular manslaughter? Would that apply in this case? I'd probably plead due to guilt regardless. I mean, it was my fault! I wasn't looking.

My name might end up in the local paper a year from now, the time the trial is held. Maybe it would happen faster than a year. A handful of people might both know me and read the local paper. They would be disappointed. Perhaps they'd stick up for me since it was a crime of accident, not intent. I don't know if I'd like that--no, rather, I'd prefer to bear my shame unnoticed. I don't want to be the guy who had potential and threw it away. Wait, aren't I already that guy?

I'd have to report having a criminal record anywhere I'd try to apply for a job. If I tried to apply for a student visa too. Perhaps this is what they mean when they ask for applicants to explain their criminal record. It was an accident, that's completely understandable, right?

Maybe I'd hang myself in my cell and then people would ask questions like how did this happen. Maybe if a reporter was overzealous they'd pick my case to make a statement on, one of those pieces that help a reporter's career.

The judge might notice me making absolutely no attempt to defend myself in court and sentence me to psychological treatment on top of a prison sentence. I wonder if I'd be harsher on myself than the judge. Would I lose my driver's license for the remainder of my life? Cycling is so much better than driving anyways--I can't kill anyone on a bike.

Ha, there's irony. I used to be the kid that would repeatedly get hit by vehicles making turns that failed to look both ways, and now I'm the driver who hits pedestrians because I didn't look both ways. How did that happen? It was only ten years ago, not even.

My mother tells me "at least you didn't hit them." Shouldn't I be paying attention to my driving? I start speeding out of anger. I could blame my mother for making me pick her up after work, but that would be dumb. There's no one to blame but me. She asks me to slow down. I don't feel like slowing down.

The radio is blaring loudly. They're saying something. I understand it now, but I won't remember any of it an hour from now. Something about stocks falling. I guess I did remember it. An appropriate thought would be that it will help drown out the voices in my head. But no, it's just another voice for the cacophony. Such a perfect word, that--cacophony.

What did your driving teacher teach you? Left mirror, front, right mirror, front, rear view mirror, front. Check the blind spot before making a turn. Pedestrians could pop up behind cars at any time. Wait, no, that one was my Dad.

You're hurting yourself as if you actually hit the kids. Is this not deserved? I wonder what the mother is thinking. Did this near accident turn her republican? Is she going to be racist against Asians for the rest of her life? Why do I look so Asian when I'm only half Asian?

Is she going to hunt me down and put a bullet in my head? A sniper rifle didn't look her style. A pistol. Definitely a pistol. I should get a haircut. Maybe shave my moustache. Hang low for a while. Did she follow me home? Get my license plate?

Maybe the guy behind me got my license plate. I wonder if he knows I didn't hit her.

Focus on the driving! You could hit someone at any time! Why am I driving so technically? Lots of room between the car in front. Watch for pedestrians. Driving too fast, can't process it all, slow down. I wonder if anyone behind me is mad at me for driving too slow. Just keep to the speed limit. There we go, you got it.

The horror is lifting! How dare I breathe easily so soon after almost meeting my destiny? You almost killed a mother and her three children! I need to let this sink in. Let the tears come. Focus, focus. It's your fault. How could I become so complacent so soon after? If I forget I'll just run someone over tomorrow, then all of this will happen for real.

It's your fault! It's your fault! Let it stain your soul! You were a split second from being a murderer. Life is on edge.