Report: Colleges Rife with Performance-Enhancing Drugs

COLLEGE PLACE (AP)--Late at night, they gather. In darkly lit rooms, students cordon themselves off into booths that seat anywhere from two to five. A few do it solo.

Regardless of age, social status, or gender, they're all here for the same reason.

"Everyone else does it."

"I just want to keep up. Even the playing field, you know."

"With all the money that's at stake, wouldn't you do it?"

The rising cost of tuition has led many students to seek any advantage to help them get a better grade; and as a result, students are taking drugs previously tried only by the elderly and the terminally ill.

"When it's the difference between an A or a B, you've got to do it, every time."

The drug is caffeine, and the method of injection is coffee.

"Sometimes those few extra hours are just what you need to finish a paper before the deadline."

"I didn't come to college to become a coffee addict. One day, one of my friends was telling me about how much it had done for him, and offered to hook me up. It was nasty at first, but you could feel the difference when it came down to crunch time. It just gave me the edge that I needed."

The health effects of coffee have been debated. Most students feel the health risks are mild to non-existant.

"I understand that I'm treating my body poorly. But isn't drinking caffeine on par with eating too much chocolate? No one bothers me about chocolate."

The health community disagrees. A caffeine overdose can have serious consequences, resulting in muscle twitching, irregular heartbeat, mania, depression, hallucination, psychosis, and even death. Hospitalization may be required for as little as ten cups of coffee.

The actual performance effects are also debatable. Studies have shown that while caffeine may improve short-term memory when related to the subject at hand, it also reduces short-term memory for unrelated thoughts, leading to one-track papers.

Professors think that the results of coffee drinking are obvious.

"Grade inflation has been a serious problem in colleges for the past 20 years. How can we compare today's great students to the students of the past? You simply can't use the same standard of judgment." (Buster Stark)

"When those great students of the 90s came, scoring all those A's, I think we as professors were so overjoyed at the results that we ignored the coffee problem. The responsibility lies on us as educators for tolerating caffeine abuse for so long." (Pevey Gammons)

When confronted publicly, many students refuse to admit to coffee use on the record, unless confronted with hard evidence, such as finding Starbucks cups in students' garbage containers.

"I did not inject my body with that substance." (Will Clinton)

"I have never intentionally used coffee. Never. Ever. Period." (Donatello Palmeiro)

"The article said 50%. Well, I'm not one of them, so that's 49% right there." (Richard Henderson)

"I'm not here to talk about the past." (Matt McGwire)

"Half the students? Come on, I look around the classroom, and I don't see anybody with any signs of coffee use. I don't know of anyone who came back [from summer vacation] 20-30 points smarter." (Mavis Justice)

Others publicly admitted their coffee use in tearful press conferences.

"I didn't do it to try to get an edge on anyone. I didn't do it to try to get smarter or faster or think harder. I did it because I was told that it might be able to help me." (Randy Pettitte)

Randy's admittance to caffeine abuse has led to a strained relationship with former best friend Rocky Clemens, whose fiery denials of caffeinated beverage usage have been the most vehement to date.

"If I was a coffee drinker, I should have a third ear coming out of my forehead. I should be acing tests by just looking them over.

"Why didn't I keep doing it if it was so good for me? Why didn't I just break down? Why didn't my brain turn to dust?

"The higher you get up on the flagpole, the more your butt shows. I understand all that. But I'm tired of answering to 'em. That's probably why I will not ever attend school again. I don't want to answer to it. I want to slide off and be just a citizen."

One student who requested to remain anonymous believes that there's nothing wrong with drinking coffee. "Caffeine doesn't help you pass a test," he said. "I don't feel like a cheater."

On Anti-Arab Mass Emails

Seriously, stop. So the Arabs are rich.

You are American.

You force child slaves to work 12+ hours a day in sweat shops to give you shoes. You build oil wells and mines across the globe, while leaving maybe 20% of the profits in the hands of the nation you're taking from. You refuse to pay a decent price for imported food. You pump more pollutants into the air than any other country, talk about forcing the developing world to meet environmental standards because of the "unfair economic advantage" they have by not having to enviro, yet refuse to join any international cooperative treaty to end the global warming threat. You talk about some Arab sheik's Versailles in the desert, with his car made out of silver, and fail to mention how the richest guy in the entire world is American.

If you're one of those people who are complaining about $2.75 a gallon, stop, because oil might just be the one product you're paying fair market value for.

The Wounded Man

Ughhhhhh... Cursed thieves! And they had to take my clothes too. I hope no one can see me. How am I going to pay for all that gold they stole? This was supposed to be the trip that put me back on my feet.

Blasted sun. They attack me after I pass the shade of the olive orchard. Figures.

Oh, look. It's a priest come to help me. Help me, help me! Over here! And he... walks over to the other side of the road to avoid me. Jerk. Stupid priest and their purity laws. Wait a moment! I'm not dead! I'm not dead! I can't die! I'm too young to die!

[Wiggles fingers and toes.]

There. I'm not going to die. You could still have helped me without needing a ritual cleansing. I'm still healthy. Er, relatively healthy. My rib cage doesn't feel that broken.

A Levite. He'll help me. That's it. Come closer. There you go. Look at me. Don't you feel the least bit sorry for me? And now you'll come closer and... hey! stop that! Don't you dare walk away! Don't you know who I am? I could have owned you in Jerusalem. I was the next big thing. You would have been honoured to wash my feet.

And now, this. When I'm a rich man, I'm going to hire some mercenaries and come back here, and then you'll pay. No one dares mess with me. Even you, Samaritan.

Hey! Back off! I've got nothing you want. I'm naked. You can't steal anything from me. Am I so low that you feel you can walk on the same side of the road as me? Oh, so you want to poke me while I'm down. Quit touching me! I'm a Jew! A great Jew! What are you doing? You're... putting me on your donkey?

What is this? Is this how people become slaves? I almost feel sorry for that Judah Ben-Hur fellow. Don't even think you're taking me without a fight. Take that!

[Weakly rolls off donkey. Samaritan pauses, puts him back, and continues on.]

Sigh. How am I ever supposed to recover from this? My business is ruined. All I had was on that donkey those thieves took. And now I'm going into slavery. Wait, what's this? Oh, he' s stopping at a Jewish inn! Save me! Save me! Yes, oh, yes, thank you, brother! May the Lord shine His face upon you for this!

What?! The Samaritan is paying for my stay in this inn?

[Stunned silence. The man is placed on the best bed in the house. Shortly after the Samaritan leaves, he is moved to the worst bed in the house.]

Hey innkeeper. Yeah, you. Keep ignoring me. I used to be something. Didn't they teach you in Yeshiva to respect the past?

I don't think I can take this. I was going to be great! I was going to be somebody. I don't want to just be some sheep-seller in the temple for the rest of my life.

Ah well. I had my run. The Lord gives, and He taketh away. He can take this too.

[Reaches for nearby sword, and attempts to fall on it. Innkeeper sees him, runs over and pries the hilt from his fingers; then returns to what he was doing. Man lays back down, dejected.]

What meaning does my life have? I am so low on the social scale that if I were to die, they'd throw me into some unmarked grave, forgotten for eternity. The priests, the levites, the merchants, the people who actually mean something in this world, they cross to the other side of the road when they see me coming, and avert their eyes.

I am nothing. I am a commoner. [Shivers in disgust.] I hate commoners. I am an object to be stared at, gawked at, wondered at in amazement. Hey, you, kid staring from around the corner: Boo!

[Child runs away screaming.]

Well, if I have no dignity left, I suppose I can make of it the best that I can, right?

Oh, who am I kidding?

[Crawls under the blankets and fitfully goes to sleep.]