Meaning

When I'm not trying to shove life's trials out of my head and make myself a small little area where I can have peace (something I do most of the time), I'm forced to confront the issue that this year has been pretty tough.

Moving back in with my parents has been a challenge. They still act like I'm a child and that I don't know how to think for myself yet, and so they're constantly telling me what they think I should do, and by "telling" they mean "do it or else." It was definitely grating at first, but later we both learned just how far we can go before the other will get angry.

I don't think I can write at length about everything that's happened so I'll just summarize it here in sentence fragments. Parents going senile. Dad being almost completely deaf. Me being away from many people that I love. Me missing them. My complete inability to land a job of any sort. Wondering when I'll ever get back to school to finish. Watching opportunities slip through your fingers because of random happenstance. Watching other (less monetarily profitable) opportunities come through likewise random happenstance. Deep soul searching. Trying to write and having the notes fail to come out. Rediscovering God through teaching my young students about Him. Being hesitant to step out in faith. Deflecting questions about my financial situation. Writing letters asking for a deferment on my student loans. My worrying mother.

I think I try to find meaning in it all so I can say this whole year was not a waste. I try to find meaning in everything. It helps me understand why trials happen.

Like here, let me try. This year I needed to get reacquainted with my family, because in the end, they're the only family I've got. Or, this year I needed to be there for my brother because our sister left for college and he would have been home with the parents alone and he couldn't have handled that. Or, this year was God's wake up call to me because I had been slowly drifting away from Him. Or, this year I learned what would happen if I didn't take my classes seriously so that when I go back to college I won't skip classes any more.

But sometimes trying to find a meaning feels like slapping a band-aid on a cut--a shallow summary solution that feels cheap.

Sometimes it's just tiring to try and I just want to rest and not have to worry about why things are happening to me. Maybe that's what happens when you get old--you're too tired to fight the fight anymore and just want to lie down and wait for it all to go away. I wonder how many people are too tired to wonder.

Everything is going to be okay. I just have to keep telling myself that.

Choose Your Own Adventure: Dental Hygiene Student

My Mom wanted to save money on my dental care, so she sent me to the community college to be cared for by a student. Six hours.

I didn't notice anything at first. But eventually I noticed there was a weight on my chest--her forearm was pressed down on it, presumably for balance. Is this normal? So I started to pay more attention to what she was doing.

Her hands were in my mouth. Well, that was obvious. But she had fingers on my lips keeping them open. It was like getting a mouth massage. And her thigh was pressed against my arm. As she leaned over me to get to her dental tools, which were located on the opposite side of me, I could feel her body heat.

She changed positions to be behind my head. Now her breasts were pressed against my head. And if it weren't for me asking to raise the headrest earlier (the same headrest that had been taped down to prevent raising) my head would have been in her lap (which it almost was, earlier).

She held my head tenderly and while asking to move it she moved it, in order to get a better view. She got up to write in her report and as she was bent over, and I noticed her pants were not all the way up.

What do you do?

1) Drown out the sensuality by yelling "Purity! Purity! Purity!" in your head over and over again until you can't feel her. Turn to Page 132.

2) She's obviously hitting on you, and even if she isn't, you don't care, because she's a pretty girl. Start flirting with her and see if she's free for lunch. Turn to Page 72.

3) Get up, accuse her of sexual assault, then run away and file a police report. Turn to page 45.

4) Admit it, it's been a while since you've been touched by a woman, and it will probably be quite a while from now when it next happens. The room is cold and she's keeping you warm. Enjoy the next few moments as best as you can, and use them to keep you going through the tough times in life. But don't contact her, at all, because it's probably unintentional. (Do attempt to look her up on the internet though, and see if she's good dating materiel.) Turn to Page 132.