I'm Suing The Weather

That's right. I've decided to sue to weather. After experiencing wonderfully warm weather for the last half of March break, up in the 70s and 80s, this morning I woke up freezing in my room, with the temperature outside at 38F.

I'm suing for emotional damages. After watching my GPA drop every winter quarter, I'm presuming I have seasonal-affective disorder. This has caused me great pain, duress, and depression, and I want $23,000 in compensation (the amount I spent on college during said winter quarters).

The weather has brought me cursed luck. This winter, I had not one, but two oboes crack on me. Presumed cause was cold weather, causing the wood to contract when the oboes were taken outside, back and forth between the church and music building. Said oboes were rentals, and so these events have caused me loss of reputation--the dealer doesn't trust me with a wooden oboe any more. Since only wooden oboes sound the best, it causes the repute of my playing ability to fall as well, causing me future harm to my career of soloing with orchestras around the world. I want $15,000 to cover the cost of the broken oboes; $25,000 to cover the cost of tuition for this school year, rendered ineffective by the instrumental situation; and $5,000,000 to cover lost profits from said future career.

I'd also like to sue for the humiliation suffered this morning, as I woke up, and violently shivered for half an hour in the cold room. The window had been left open all night, on the assumption that it was 70F outside. The violent shivering in above freezing temperatures caused me to lose face as a Canadian, and brought great emotional distress. I want $10,000,000 for the damage suffered to the name of Canada as a result of this morning.

Finally, I'd like to sue for punitive damages to prevent the weather from ever acting up like this again. The weather has shown very little remorse for previous bad action, such as destroying Florida, followed by destroying New Orleans. A heavy fine must be placed to make the weather take it's responsibility to humanity seriously, and I suggest an award of $10,000,000,000 would do just that.

Therefore, I'm suing the weather for $10 billion dollars. I'm open to making this a class-action lawsuit. A court date will be announced at a later time.


"If any man sue thee for thy coat, let him have thy cloak, too, for if thy adversary have it not, thine advocate will." (John Donne)