Distractions

Paul put it so beautifully. That which I want to do, I do not; that which I don't want to do, I do.

This morning I woke up vowing to complete the remainder of my homework for the quarter.

Today, I spent playing computer games from about 11am to 11pm.

(No, not non-stop. I do certainly hope those days are over. At least, my eyes certainly hope so.)

How did this happen?

Well, I woke up, and decided to eat breakfast. While eating breakfast, I loaded the news. I read through it rather quickly, and as there was still cereal to eat, I figured I could play a quick game or two.

About three or four hours later I caught myself and broke myself away from my game long enough to ponder doing homework. But by then it was lunch time, so I made myself some lunch. As I said down in front of my computer desk, which is also my dining table, I started to browse some web pages to keep my occupied while chewing...

Why do I get distracted? Distractions have been the story of my last couple of years. I had many big plans. Many pieces of music I wanted to write, many pictures to take, many adventures to go on, many stories to write. Most of them ended up not happening for various reasons or another.

I always had good reasons to postpone. Bills needed to be paid, my room was a mess, I needed to take a shower, the trash needed to be taken out, I simply wasn't in the mood, there was no way half an hour would be nearly enough time to get started, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. (Now, if there was two or four "et ceteras," then that would have looked odd, but for some reason one or three is fine, despite the fact they're odd numbers. Wait, sorry, got distracted.)

I suppose I could get myself treated for "distraction addiction." I've already been in to see the shrink about "computer gaming addiction," but all I've managed to prove so far is that if I ban myself (successfully) from computer games, I'll simply pick up another distraction, be it wikipedia, googling your name, sitting in a closet for hours on end going on imaginary adventures, or even--heaven forbid--reading a novel!

Besides, psychology was founded a century ago. I always wondered how those Renaissance-era people were able to survive without counselling for depression and addiction.

I got distracted again. Why do I get distracted? Is it a cultural phenomenon? Is this generation going to be forever remembered as the distracted generation? Do I have ADD? Did people have ADD before the 19th century?

...

(Sorry, ended up fidgeting with a "Final Notice--Power being disconnected in 48 hours unless we get paid" sign that was hung on my door for a few minutes. I wonder how many of those I can score before I graduate? Mmm, graduate. Sorry, got distracted. What was I talking about?)

Right, distractions. Why do I get distracted? Wait, I said that already?

Anyways. I get distracted. Do I just lack vision? Is it because I'm a perfectionist to the nth degree and won't start something that's actually important to me unless I'm capable of doing it to the best of my ability? (i.e. when I'm in the "mood?") Is it because I can't stand to spend 30 seconds sitting still that I must constantly fill every minute of my life doing something? I mean this very literally, in case you don't believe me. While the computer is booting is a great time to brush your teeth, pour a bowl of cereal, refill a glass of water. I don't remember the last time I watched my computer boot.

And of course, whatever activity I choose to fill those 30 seconds with doesn't always take 30 seconds. And a few hours later, "what was I supposed to be doing again?"

Nah, that answer sounds too neat. Life is rarely neat and organized. Gold doesn't sit there on the Earth's surface waiting for someone to walk by and pick it up.

So why do I get distracted? Do I simply need to sit down and actually do it, regardless of whether I feel like it? Do I need to relax instead of constantly filling every moment of my life with some action or another? Do I need to bring back the planner? I don't think lack of an agenda was a problem. I truly did have an agenda for today. I just got distracted.

Perhaps the relaxation isn't it. I distinctly remember as a high school student using the five minutes in between each class to get a head start on the homework for that night.

So that leaves... perfectionism? Really? Hmmm. There has to be something more.

A lack of urgency? I suppose sitting locked away in one's room all day long can lead to complacency, where you don't realize every day someone dies and every day an opportunity vanishes and every day changes the course of the rest of your life.

A lack of God? I have managed to read my devotions on occasion the last few years. God ought to be the direction of my life; the setting of the tale; my raison d'etre. But the last couple of years it feels like I take God out in the morning and put him away when I walk out the front door.

I just don't see anything holy in turning in a paper, or throwing an hour of practice at a wall, or reading through a chapter in a textbook. Granted, I'm usually too distracted to do any of these things. But life has to have greater meaning, at least for me, or else I'll end up stabbing myself just to see if I can feel something.

I don't like jumping through hoops. So many times it feels like they just throw hoops at you because you're moving too fast and "they" need to find a way to pass some time. Like an old boss said, "stop working so fast, or we'll have nothing left to give you and have no justification for keeping you around for the rest of the summer." (In case you're wondering, that was government work.)

I suppose it's hard to focus on the holy when your religion classes ask of you the same as your other college classes, which is to question your previously held beliefs, and eventually when you question so much you lose sight of what answers really are and what facts really are and what reality really is. Questioning is a great thing; but people need a foundation, you know? When an artist chips away at a block of stone, removing everything wrong and unnecessary, you end up with something beautiful; but when you take everything away all you have left is powder.

I suppose this means I will have to ponder the question of God for myself. I've been putting that off for a while. What is this question of God, you ask? What does He expect me to do? Here, on this Earth? Here, for my life?

Somehow this question relates to "Did the Hebrews really cross the Red Sea?" and "Is the Bible factually accurate?" The world was so much simpler when it was black and white. Even now it still feels like I'm struggling with trying to figure out whether such and such a shade of grey is closer to black or white.

Wasn't I supposed to be writing a post about distractions?

I suppose when you hammer away at something with enough dedication you eventually find the real issues. It's pretty hard to find the holy in the every day when you're not even sure what the holy is.

But that, unfortunately, is a post for another day. Distractions abound--in this case, sleep.