Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Report: Colleges Rife with Performance-Enhancing Drugs

COLLEGE PLACE (AP)--Late at night, they gather. In darkly lit rooms, students cordon themselves off into booths that seat anywhere from two to five. A few do it solo.

Regardless of age, social status, or gender, they're all here for the same reason.

"Everyone else does it."

"I just want to keep up. Even the playing field, you know."

"With all the money that's at stake, wouldn't you do it?"

The rising cost of tuition has led many students to seek any advantage to help them get a better grade; and as a result, students are taking drugs previously tried only by the elderly and the terminally ill.

"When it's the difference between an A or a B, you've got to do it, every time."

The drug is caffeine, and the method of injection is coffee.

"Sometimes those few extra hours are just what you need to finish a paper before the deadline."

"I didn't come to college to become a coffee addict. One day, one of my friends was telling me about how much it had done for him, and offered to hook me up. It was nasty at first, but you could feel the difference when it came down to crunch time. It just gave me the edge that I needed."

The health effects of coffee have been debated. Most students feel the health risks are mild to non-existant.

"I understand that I'm treating my body poorly. But isn't drinking caffeine on par with eating too much chocolate? No one bothers me about chocolate."

The health community disagrees. A caffeine overdose can have serious consequences, resulting in muscle twitching, irregular heartbeat, mania, depression, hallucination, psychosis, and even death. Hospitalization may be required for as little as ten cups of coffee.

The actual performance effects are also debatable. Studies have shown that while caffeine may improve short-term memory when related to the subject at hand, it also reduces short-term memory for unrelated thoughts, leading to one-track papers.

Professors think that the results of coffee drinking are obvious.

"Grade inflation has been a serious problem in colleges for the past 20 years. How can we compare today's great students to the students of the past? You simply can't use the same standard of judgment." (Buster Stark)

"When those great students of the 90s came, scoring all those A's, I think we as professors were so overjoyed at the results that we ignored the coffee problem. The responsibility lies on us as educators for tolerating caffeine abuse for so long." (Pevey Gammons)

When confronted publicly, many students refuse to admit to coffee use on the record, unless confronted with hard evidence, such as finding Starbucks cups in students' garbage containers.

"I did not inject my body with that substance." (Will Clinton)

"I have never intentionally used coffee. Never. Ever. Period." (Donatello Palmeiro)

"The article said 50%. Well, I'm not one of them, so that's 49% right there." (Richard Henderson)

"I'm not here to talk about the past." (Matt McGwire)

"Half the students? Come on, I look around the classroom, and I don't see anybody with any signs of coffee use. I don't know of anyone who came back [from summer vacation] 20-30 points smarter." (Mavis Justice)

Others publicly admitted their coffee use in tearful press conferences.

"I didn't do it to try to get an edge on anyone. I didn't do it to try to get smarter or faster or think harder. I did it because I was told that it might be able to help me." (Randy Pettitte)

Randy's admittance to caffeine abuse has led to a strained relationship with former best friend Rocky Clemens, whose fiery denials of caffeinated beverage usage have been the most vehement to date.

"If I was a coffee drinker, I should have a third ear coming out of my forehead. I should be acing tests by just looking them over.

"Why didn't I keep doing it if it was so good for me? Why didn't I just break down? Why didn't my brain turn to dust?

"The higher you get up on the flagpole, the more your butt shows. I understand all that. But I'm tired of answering to 'em. That's probably why I will not ever attend school again. I don't want to answer to it. I want to slide off and be just a citizen."

One student who requested to remain anonymous believes that there's nothing wrong with drinking coffee. "Caffeine doesn't help you pass a test," he said. "I don't feel like a cheater."

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