Warm Thoughts

Conspiracy theories are fun. Not generally believable--see Fox, "Did we really go to the moon?"--but usually fun. So here's my contribution to the greatest of the Liberal arts.

Who Caused Global Warming?

I mean, obviously, it's western society. But why would the west destroy their own planet?

Imagine, back in the 50s, right when the Earth's warming started to accelerate and become noticable. India had just declared independence; Africa would do so in a decade. The developing world was starting to notice how badly the West had abused them, by taking all their resources, often for a cent on the dollar, if even that; taking their people; purposely impoverishing their economy (if you doubt me, look up mercantilism); and causing the younger generation to become poorly educated (what good is a western education going to do for a farmer in Zimbabwe? He'd be better off learning about farming). The oppressed peoples were starting to come to their senses, and beginning to revolt; so the west gave them their freedom in order to pacify them again.

But the western nations knew that independence wouldn't pacify the third world for long. So they developed a plan. They began to pump carbon dioxide and other greenhouse gases into the atmosphere in an attempt to raise the world's temperature. This had two benefits: First, all of the western countries were in the temperate zone: a raised temperature simply meant no winter, something that nearly all citizens were willing to sign on to. Second, the developing world would get baked. It was thought that by raising the temperature of equatorial nations, it would make the people more lazy and less willing to revenge their wrongs. Plus, once the temperature got hot enough, they'd all bake to death anyways, permanently ending the retribution threat.

It was brilliant, the leaders agreed. Of all the developed world, only Australia had a small complaint, as it was nearest to the equator. Australia, however, agreed to make the sacrifice, as most of its population already lived in the south; in exchange for always having a positive reputation in the media.


"In great art chance and fancy are gone; what is there is there of necessity." (Goethe)